I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
