I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
