apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Randomize
