i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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