Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
