So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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