Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
