just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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