went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
one might say we're banned from that church
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
