I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
