Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
