If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
