dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
