I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
