i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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