I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I did not marry a roomba.
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