i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
