sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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