He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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