The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
