Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
