I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
