I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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