i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
