AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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