I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
