the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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