I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Randomize
