I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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