I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You were trust falling into bushes
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
