I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
