Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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