I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
