You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Randomize