he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize