I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
