guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
