Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
