Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
