you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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