If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
