And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Never let your siblings swipe right.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
