Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
