I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
