i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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