I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
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