You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Randomize
