I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Is it penis luge time yet?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
