Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
