and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
