There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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