I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
