Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
