I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
