My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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