i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
This house was built for laser tag.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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