I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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