I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
