After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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