Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
i out mim tonsoeep
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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