So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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