Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
