I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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