Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
