Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
