Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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