Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize