maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
