hell yes lets make some ravioli
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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